Close Call

November 25, 2014 at 3:09 pm (Congestive Heart Failure, Death and Dying, Hospitalizations, Medical) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Everyone in the room – the doctors, nurses, Rave, and even me – all thought the same thing, but no one wanted to say it.

For me, it became tangible when I realized I was having visual hallucinations and disturbances and couldn’t hear out of one ear. My blood pressure numbers were getting lower and lower and no one knew why. My chest hurt like crazy and I was struggling to breathe both out of pain as well as panic. The doc even asked me what my advanced directives were – like did I want a breathing tube – which they had never done before. That’s when I knew I might actually die, like, right now.

I’ve written a lot about how I hate asking people for rides, that it feels like panhandling. Even when people assure me that I can always ask and they like doing it, I still feel terrible about the whole process. After I left the hospital in October, my team had set me up with a slew of follow-up appointments; the idea was I was not well enough to go back home and return to normal life, but I wasn’t urgently sick enough to warrant staying in the hospital anymore. In particular, Johns Hopkins runs a “Heart Failure Bridge Clinic”, the “Bridge” being between hospitalization and home. You’re able to access services that regular doctors or cardiologist offices don’t offer, like IV diuretics.

I was able to attend my first Bridge appointment, and it was pretty standard. Other than a small med adjustment, it didn’t seem like a big deal. So when I wasn’t able to find a ride to the second appointment, I didn’t really stress over it. But then I missed a PCP appointment as well. It was a combination of people legitimately unable to make it and me not being in an emotional state conducive to putting as much effort in as I should have. Both Rave and I have been swamped with a preponderance of to-do items that are all “very important” and time sensitive as well.

I don’t remember when we first noticed that my blood pressures were off. I know I had started feeling dizzy and intoxicated without any cause. But however we got there, I started getting these ridiculously and somewhat unbelievably low readings with an average around 90/60. My home nurse told me to keep a close eye on it; well, that’s not exactly true, as she first recommended I go to the ER. When I told her I was feeling fairly okay and really didn’t want to go back to the hospital (can you blame me after a series of two-to-three week stays in the last four months?), she told me to keep an eye on it until I saw her later that week.

I decided to ask Dr. Google if there was some easy things I could do to bring my blood pressure up. This is when I was introduced into my current medical dilemma: as a congestive heart failure patient, I should severely restrict my fluid intake; but the one reliable way to raise and maintain a good blood pressure is to drink a healthy amount of fluids. So over the next few days I drank more fluids that I was “supposed” to and as it were, the more I drank the better I felt and the better my numbers were.

Well, not all my numbers. People with CHF have to weigh themselves every day because even small gains may be a sign of fluid retention and could require a change in your diuretic dosing. Every day I “cheated” on my restriction, the next morning would see the resultant weight gain; usually only a pound or two, but by the end of the week I was up over 10lbs. My nurse was pretty unhappy but we all agreed that since I had a Bridge Clinic appointment that Wednesday, I would just wait and see what they had to say.

Except that no one I asked could take me to Baltimore that day. By Tuesday midnight, I sent the message to cancel my appointment. I don’t know what my plan was, but until they invent transporters I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t even decide to drive myself, because Rave’s truck is still too broken to pass inspection and she needs my car to get to work. I didn’t sleep well that night. If I called an ambulance, they would have taken me to Hillbilly Hospital, and that was NOT going to happen. I felt defeated and depressed.

Even though Rave has been in hot water at work over how much time she takes off (mostly to take care of me), on the off chance the PTO gods would smile upon her, she submitted a request before she left work on Tuesday to see if they would let her take me to the appointment. We were pretty convinced the answer would be no, but I didn’t have a lot of other options. We were both surprised that when she got to work Wednesday morning, she saw that her request had been approved. She hopped right back into her car and came back to Hagerstown to pick me up.

We made a mad dash to Baltimore as we were cutting it pretty close, and the Clinic is one of those draconian offices that refuses to see you if you’re more than 10-15 minutes late. We even called ahead to see if that would help, but no dice. On top of that, I had only been to the location once before, and it’s hiding in one of the regular towers (instead of in the Outpatient Center) and I didn’t know which parking garage we should use. To make matters worse, there was practically no available parking in the one we chose, so we spent another ten minutes driving around in circles. We breezed into the office exactly 15 minutes late.

The nurse practitioner took my vitals and saw both the weight gain and low pressure – 80/40. She left the office to call her supervisor. Rave and I figured it was to figure out how much IV meds to give me…until more than 20 minutes go by and she still hasn’t returned. Finally, I gave voice to what we were both starting to fear – that they were going to admit me on the spot. Which is sort of what happened. There weren’t any free beds in the unit I would stay in, and after taking my blood pressure a number of times and getting consistently low numbers she felt the best course of action was to send me to the ER so I could be monitored while waiting for a bed. I am very glad to this day that this is what happened, as if I had not been in the ER when things went south I don’t know what would have happened.

Now, it’s good to know that even though my blood pressure numbers were ridiculously low (normal/average blood pressure should be somewhere around 120/80), I was upright, alert, oriented. I felt a little dizzy, a little fuzzy, and I was struggling more than usual with my aphasia, but overall I felt okay. I was more upset at the prospect of yet another long stay at the hospital forcing me to miss something I was really looking forward to (Thanksgiving with some of my most beloved tribe of the heart) and more medical complications and/or restrictions. But then things starting getting worse.

The first thing that clued me in as to how serious things were getting was when they moved me into the ERs version of an ICU bed. I was wired and constantly monitored. They took my blood pressure in just about every way conceivable – while I was in different positions, on different parts of my arms, and with different sphygmomanometers. My numbers were getting even lower – 80/30. 75/45. 60/40.

All of a sudden one of my ears went silent. It both felt and sounded like someone had slapped a thick earmuff on one side of my head. And of course, doctors and nurses and other hospital personnel are asking me a thousand and one questions and now I couldn’t hear them clearly. I was also getting more confused and finding it harder to understand everything that was happening. At one point, someone offered papers for Rave to sign because I was acting so erratically. (Yes, it’s legal, as she is my designated medical proxy.) I do remember someone asking me to state what was in my advanced directives, mostly about whether or not I had a DNR.

That was the first time I really and truly thought to myself, “This could kill me. They’re doing this because it’s possible this could actually happen.”

That was also when I noticed the visual distortion. I saw fireworks everywhere. Lots of red and off-white lights danced everywhere I looked. After images were causing trails if I moved too quickly (or if the thing I looked at moved quickly too).The light was getting brighter, to the point where I couldn’t really see anything else around me. My sense of chronological/linear time goes fuzzy at this point, so I have no idea in what sequence things actually progressed.

I do remember starting telling people, “I’m really scared. I am really, really scared.” Somehow, my reasoning said that if I refused to lay down I wouldn’t pass out or die. I started breathing more deliberately, again thinking that if I just kept willing each breath I wouldn’t stop breathing. The lowest recorded blood pressure was 40/30, although doctors are skeptical that it actually got that low since, in fact, I didn’t pass out.

That was just about a week ago. I eventually made my way into the critical care unit (which they call “stepdown”, as it is a transition between ICU and a medical floor) where we found out what the hell was going on. It seems there were three forces at play, and all of them were playing to win – which in this case means “messing with Del”.

  • CHF/Edema – In order to avoid retaining fluid which makes my poor heart and lungs work harder, I have to stay under a certain amount of fluid intake a day. I also take “water pills”, aka pills that make your body absorb less fluid and just pee it out instead. However, if I flush out too much fluid it puts a strain on my kidneys, which are already starting to show signs of damage from all this stress. It also leads to…
  • Dehydration – I am only supposed to ingest between 1.5 and 2 liters of fluid a day, and that’s not just what I drink. It includes any substance that becomes a liquid by the time it gets to your stomach, like jello, ice cream, pudding, salad dressing, sauce, etc. But as we all know, bodies need a certain amount of fluid to regulate themselves. I’ve always had low blood pressure, and 9 times out of 10 that’s considered a good thing. But when I was feeling dizzy and ill and I was pretty sure it was due to how low it had gotten, Dr. Google said the best bet to raise it was to drink more fluid, so I did. And even though I had increased my intake to almost 4 liters a day, I was still dehydrated because…
  • Infection – My pannus (the hanging part of my belly, the part that the 2012 surgery was about) is super swollen, which I assumed was part of the water retention caused by the CHF. Turns out that was only half of the story. My pannus is, once again, riddled with infected tissue. There isn’t a collection, like an abscess, that can be drained or removed. It is diffuse through the tissues. So my body was using every bit of fluid to make white blood cells and other infection-fighting stuff, which leads us back to dehydration. The lack of available fluids meant that the infection could proliferate faster and more efficiently. It didn’t help that I had to skip taking some of my meds for a month due to some health insurance stuff, and some of them were my maintenence antibiotics. (Bad Del.)

Yesterday I was transferred out of the critical care unit back to a medical floor I have been to before, which is nice because I know and like most of the nurses here. It also means less wires and other restrictions. The infection is pretty bad and causing a great deal of pain – the doctors keep telling me it’s the kind of healing that gets worse before it gets better. I’m on the good drugs for now – vancomycin (antibiotic version of a nuclear bomb) and dilaudid (painkiller version of a nuclear bomb). I’m in a lot of pain, but in a weird way it’s a familiar kind of pain, which makes it a little easier to deal with.

Most people with CHF really struggle with knowing how much fluid they can safely have without causing problems. Unfortunately, for me it looks like the line between too little and too much is very fine, and I’ve been warned that not only will it take some time and experimentation to figure out exactly where that line is and that there will be a lot of fuckups along the way. Fuckups mean more hospital stays.

My primary care doctor has even mentioned that I could go live in a skilled nursing facility – basically, a special floor in a nursing home that’s reserved for people of all ages who are too medically complicated to live at home but not sick enough to stay in the hospital. The idea is abhorrent to me, but if my lack of transportation is putting my life at risk I can’t fully dismiss the idea. Rave and I have started preliminary browsing to see if moving to Baltimore is even possible. However much we hate living in Hagerstown, the place we have is a godsend of accessibility; Baltimore is full of three-story row houses which will very likely not work for us. But I can’t even think about moving with a full heart until I deal with the divorce settlement, because Mike is claiming I have a part-time job with which I can support myself and therefore he should not have to pay spousal support or cover my prescriptions like he’s been doing since we split. I can’t afford a lawyer and few lawyers do family law pro-bono unless there are custody issues. It’s a big morass I cannot deal with without getting chest pain – and I’m not saying that to be melodramatic, I’m saying it because it really does cause me that much stress.

That’s the story of my close call. The reality and tangibility of the end of my journey is coalescing, and it’s a lot more terrifying than I was prepared for. One of my doctors admitted to me that if he were in my shoes, he’d be freaking out a lot more than I am. He even offered to send me a social worker to talk to, which is probably not a bad idea.

If you wanted to send flowers or the like, you can email Rave at delandrave at gmail dot com and she’ll give you the information. It would be greatly appreciated. I’m feeling kind of lonely and sad these days.

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Contemplation and Dedication

December 30, 2013 at 2:18 am (Chronic Pain, Living, Living With Chronic Illness, Mental Health, Spiritual, The Panniculectomy, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Today will be a year and a day since my ordeal. It has been a very difficult, draining, painful year. I have suffered so many different kinds of loss that I don’t know if I can cleanly separate one from another. They have come at me from every direction, from places I would have never suspected, and in ways that only made any sort of sense in retrospect. I spent a lot of time mourning. This should have surprised me a lot less than it did, having struck a complex and winding deal with Death herself, but I’m still a Fool who bumbles forward ignoring all the big “Dead End” signs along the way.

And then, a few days ago, a very small light was lit. I spoke to Hel directly, and the best way to describe what happened would be that I got my “annual review”. We spoke about times when I truly contemplated in the way She had asked, and times when I did everything I could to avoid said contemplation. She showed me in that transpersonal yet compassionate way how each distraction from my Purpose had been removed. It sometimes felt like a student of meditation getting wacked on the knuckles every time they were obviously not focusing. But I learn the best lessons through pain, both emotional and physical, so it’s not like She was speaking a foreign language.

After we went through the Year of Contemplation, I asked if my failures and misdeeds meant that I had to Contemplate for another year again. “Oh no”, She replies with a slightly amused grin, “It’s not like when a new lesson begins, the old ones end. It just means you are building upon the foundation, and contemplation was the first layer.” Oh yippie skippy.

The next theme came to me slowly. I saw some opportunities start to swirl and manifest around me, and having learned some of my lesson, I wondered if this was a test to see if I would give in to another diversion. As quickly as I could, I went back to Her and asked for clarification. I’ve made enough terrible mistakes already; I was willing to risk being told to figure it out on my own if it meant She might share more insight.

That’s when 2014’s theme was given to me, much in the same way that 2013 was the Year of Contemplation. This year is to be the Year of Dedication. I will still spend much time, likely even more than last year, in spiritual contemplation, but I will also be taking on the responsibilities of sorting out what people/places/things fall within my calling, and which ones only serve as distractions or hidey-holes where I can run away from the difficulties of my station. Some of the plans I have for 2014 have already shown how they are part of my Dedication, and other plans have already been deemed unfit.

I am still sorting out one aspect of Dedication, and I think my confusion is because I really want Her to give me a straight answer, and She wants me to find the right answer on my own. When I first was in preparation for the ordeal, I knew that She wanted some form of oath or promise that would bind me to Her. I had first toyed with the idea of becoming Her consort or spouse, and honestly the reason I didn’t explore that further was because I listened to someone I shouldn’t have who had big stakes in the outcome of that decision. But now I am unfettered (for the most part) and the question lays on the table again. For now, I am offering her my celibacy, which is going to be a very big challenge for me. For I am not only forgoing sexual contact as part of this experiment, but I am also consciously not looking or even really fantasizing about finding a new lover. (Right now, I have a mostly non-sexual relationship with Rave, and a few romantic relationships that are not only long distance, but that I rarely ever see; so the temptation has been present to try to find a new dating situation of some sort.) What I understand as the long term goal of this experiment has less to do with establishing a sexual or romantic relationship with Hel, and more about accepting the reality of my life at 40 years old.

I have tried, more than a few times, to establish a “family”. In some cases, I married or created a partnership with a person whom I felt was able and willing to establish a family unit with, only to have the relationships fall apart and with that, a complete cut-off from their life. Other than that, I have tried starting covens, communal families of choice, and other group dynamics that focused on a long-term familial devotion to one another, but most of them (really, save one) have all eventually given in to entropy. I know this yearning for family is partially due to the instability of my childhood; and that has become even more of an issue with my mother’s passing early in December. I have never met my father’s extended family, and my maternal one has become estranged from me over time. The feeling is even stronger and sadder now that both of my parents are dead; even my brother voiced his concern to me that without my mother, we may all lose touch with each other.

I also have always wanted children. I had the opportunity once when I was much younger, but I opted out thinking that I would someday reach a more stable relationship in which to bring offspring. I have tried, both in the unofficial “hey, let’s just stop using protection” path, as well as with a more formal “let’s track my ovulation and basal body temperature and have sex when things look ripe for it”, and other than a few miscarriages it just never happened. Now I am having unmistakable signs of perimenopause, and I don’t have a fertile partner of the right biological sex in order to give it one last try. And even if I did, my life is just not conducive to the responsibilities inherent in having a child, which is why adoption is not an alternative. My best hopes is to try to remain an active part of my godson’s lives, and accept my childless lot.

It’s a lot to give up. When other people were dreaming of stellar careers and fancy trips, I’ve always had a far simpler vision of what I thought my life would be like. I just wanted a stable family life wherein all of the people involved had made a lifelong commitment to love and respect each other, and work collaboratively in raising some kick-ass children. I never really cared about what I would be doing or how much money we had, just that there were both adults and children in my life and that we had a loving, fun-filled home.

Then again, when I surrendered, first to Loki and later to Hel, I never asked for the family package. In fact, I consider myself lucky that I have been able to have the relationships I have experienced in the last fifteen years, and I have fond memories of all of them, even the ones that ended on bad terms. I know plenty of spirit workers who have been denied the opportunity to have mortal lovers at all, so I know they were a blessing. And there’s nothing written in stone that I won’t be able to have them in the future (yet); it’s just that I need to take this time to dedicate myself to the reality I am in, have been given, and to stop pining and/or trying to create a reality that is not mine to have. So the celibacy is less about not having sex (I am still allowed to masturbate, thank you Hel), and more about letting those dreams slowly rot on Her altar. If I were to take time to find and pursue a new lover, it would very much distract me from that process, and rekindle my hope.

And She has said that this is not forever, and that any changes to that I will have some say in. If Mx. Perfect-for-Del shows up, then part of that perfectness will have to be the understanding that sex is not on the table right away – not that it was with lovers in my past, either – and that my calling as Her shaman-and-sometimes-consort takes a huge precedence over any mortal, any day. It means that the tasks and responsibilities I take on this year as I begin to hone-in on what I am dedicating myself to are very much more important in terms of time, energy, focus, and availability. I will have to be very clear and unrelenting in my communication about what I am able to share with a lover, and if they can’t accept that, it’s better we know that up front, than spend a long time both hoping that things will somehow change.

I know that this year of dedication will be a lot of work. Not only personal work in the same way contemplation was, but also actual “must be awake, alert, and able to engage” types of work. My pain has been bad enough for the last two months that my doctor is very concerned, and I am also showing some early signs that I may have a new abscess. But part of what She wants from me is to find the balance between making time to do the things that allow me to be as functional as possible – like going to doctor’s appointments, seeking out therapies, eating well and getting what exercise I can tolerate, etc – but at the same time, not falling into another dark hole of counterproductive nothingness just because I feel shitty. I don’t know where that balance is quite yet, but I will sure be trying to find it.

I have so many other things to write about – obviously, my mother’s death being one of them – and honesty, I’ve started six or seven different entries and I eventually realize that I’m just not ready to share so openly yet. Another sad consequence of 2013 is that I had to learn to be much more circumspect about what I share online, as I have found more than once, someone using my words, my experiences, my life, etc as a way to attack, belittle, hurt, shame, or punish me. Some of the entries that I have deleted were purely emotional responses to such things, and I know that sort of pettiness does nothing but make me look like a jerk – I know this, because the people who did these things sure looked like jerks when they did it first. Instead, I am taking some time to note important thoughts, feelings, and insights, and when I am able to write from a less tumultuous perspective, I will get back into the swing of things.

But for now…

Hail Hel, Lady of Mercy and Patience.

Hail Hel, Who is as Warm as She is Cold.

Hail Hel, Who Loves Silly Fools Who Take Too Long To Learn.

Hail Hel, Giver of Life and Death in Equal Measure.

Hail Hel, Entropic Transformation.

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Home

June 11, 2013 at 2:06 am (Disability, Living, Living With Chronic Illness, Mental Health) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

When I think of home
I think of a place where there’s love overflowing
I wish I was home
I wish I was back there with the things I been knowing

Wind that makes the tall trees bend into leaning
Suddenly the snowflakes that fall have a meaning
Sprinklin’ the scene, makes it all clean

Maybe there’s a chance for me to go back there
Now that I have some direction
It would sure be nice to be back home
Where there’s love and affection
And just maybe I can convince time to slow up
Giving me enough time in my life to grow up
Time be my friend, let me start again

Suddenly my world has changed it’s face
But I still know where I’m going
I have had my mind spun around in space
And yet I’ve watched it growing

~”Home”, The Wiz

I’ve been spending a lot of time here in the Apartment at the End of the Universe, as my current health situation requires it. I’m still healing a wound from the inside out, in hopes that by doing so it will create scar tissue where I’ve been developing these abscesses. I’ve been attached to a machine called a Wound VAC, that basically sucks out the fluid from the wound, helping it heal faster and keeping any pockets from forming. I have a nurse who comes to my house three times a week to change the bandage and check the wound, and in order to receive that service I have to remain “homebound” – which has been explained to me as “a state in which leaving the home is very difficult or a major effort”. There’s the practical side of it – the nurse comes here three times a week, so I have to be here for those visits, and can’t make arrangements to get the same service somewhere else (which was the opposite of what I was told in the hospital, but whatever). As I didn’t know that the home nurse could be taken away if I am no longer considered “homebound”, I mentioned to her an upcoming weekend trip, and that’s when I learned that I can’t even discuss with her leaving the house on a regular basis for anything other than a family emergency or somesuch. So I’ve just been having a few “family emergencies” lately.

It is a hard thing for me to accept, this idea that I’ve been classified “housebound”. I mean, I am deeply grateful that the nurse comes here, rather than me having to make arrangements to be driven to the local wound care center three times a week. Right now, my only means of transportation during the “work day” is a woman I pay an hourly wage to drive me places, supported by a few incredibly awesome friends who drive long distances to take me to appointments when my driver cannot. I flat out could not afford to pay to go to the wound care center three times a week; they have a van they could pick me up in, but then I’d have to use either my walker or cane to get around as there would be no one to push my wheelchair around, and the layout of the center would mean a great deal of walking. Walking has become more and more difficult for me, as my legs have been both swollen and very painful to touch, much less walk on. There are days I use my walker just to get around my house, which isn’t very big.

I also have been adapting to living in Hagerstown, which is in western Maryland, not close to either where most of my friends live, or a major urban center. It’s about an hour and forty minutes to Baltimore, and two hours to DC. I don’t have any friends who live close enough or who have open enough schedules to get together to do anything fun; there’s not a whole lot going on in the general area that could be done between the time Rave gets home from work and we go to bed without a significant amount of driving. We really feel like the “…at the End of the Universe” part of our house’s name has turned out to be more true than even we originally thought. We can’t jaunt out to a Tuesday night BR class or a Frederick munch without significant planning. There’s not a whole lot for non-drinking weirdoes to do in Hagerstown outside of going out to eat, which we can’t really afford.

This happens to intersect with a lot of other pondering I’ve been doing about the concept of “home”. The last few weeks, since I’ve been trapped at home a lot (save for a couple of weekend events), I’ve been spending my solitude doing a lot of mental processing about the divorce. It sounds ridiculous, but even though I suspected something was amiss in our relationship for months before the shit hit the fan, I was completely unprepared for the reality of our separation. Added to that, I really expected how he and I would deal with our separation completely differently. He continually swore that he wanted to remain “friends”, that he would uphold his oath to be my “family”, but other than terse emails about logistics (mostly money), he refuses to talk to me at all. I’ve offered to meet him face to face, talk to him on the phone, or even trade emails, but he doesn’t even say “no”, he just refuses to respond. Any time a conversation turns from logistics to anything personal, he cuts off correspondence completely and/or only responds to the parts of the messages he wants to. I find it so ironic, because I would never have guessed that it would be me reaching out and trying to start the reconciliation conversations; I am pretty honest with people that I am very, very rarely (if ever) friendly with my exes. This is not the first time that my partner tells me that they want to be friends with their exes, but then when things end they actively ignore me and pretend I don’t exist unless they absolutely have to deal with it.

I was very hesitant to get married a second time. My first marriage was pretty much a huge disaster, where I suffered emotional and mental abuse, and the relationship-I-call-spousal-even-though-we-never-got-married wasn’t much different, although to be transparent I feel that relationship was bad for both of us in hindsight. I also constantly struggled with my ability to trust my STBX, knowing he had a history of cheating on his partner and not much relationship experience under his belt. But what happened to change my mind had nothing to do with love or romance (especially since neither of us are particularly romantic people). I really had begun to feel that he and I had created a family unit; my love for him was as much familial as it was erotic.

I have a complicated relationship with my birth family. I love my mother and my sister very much, and I talk to them on a semi-regular basis. But that’s about all I have in my corner – I never really met anyone from my father’s extended family, so I don’t have any relationships there, and my maternal family…well, “black sheep” doesn’t even begin to explain how they treat me. I mean, they try to be friendly when we’re forced to be at a family event together, but none of them call me or know anything about my day to day life at all. And this lack is something I have keenly felt for a long time – I have a whole composition notebook I filled with angsty prose and poetry back when I was 24 or so, most of which was directly about my lack of “home”.

One of the terrible things I had taken away from me when I went through my shamanic transition was that the town I grew up in, the only place that really had any nostalgic magic for me, I lost that connection with it. I used to go there from time to time and go to places I used to hang out at when I was a kid, and I would get a sense of deep love and belonging from the place. I could “fill my cup” of having a place that fed my need to have a place I knew intimately, a place where I could find my way around without a GPS or a map or Yelp or anything like that. Where I could speak to the land spirits without much difficulty, on a regular basis, and knew what kinds of offerings they liked and where to leave them. When I left NY for MD, it was like someone went back to my hometown and turned all the spirits away from me; I describe it as “tasting like ash”. It feels like it belongs to someone else, someone I used to know, but isn’t accessible anymore.

When I married Mike, we were also making a commitment to live in Maryland for at least 10 years. We had discussed it at length, considered buying a house and creating roots. Before then, we weren’t sure if we would go back to NY (since we were both natives there) or maybe hang out in MD for a few years, or what. No, we made the considered decision to created family-of-choice ties with our friends and lovers in Maryland. That’s why our wedding was less focused on us declaring love for each other, and much more focused on the concept of “creating a family”. For me, this was so incredibly important and emotionally satisfying, because it gave me something I had been looking for; a sense of “family”, and a sense of “home”.

This year, due to a lot of little and big reasons, I decided that I would start looking for new-to-me events to teach at, and maybe take a break from some events I have attended for many years. So far, it’s been pretty good; but tonight I’m dealing with an unexpected consequence of that decision. Due to the “housebound” stuff, as well as some other medical stuff going on, I am home on this night for the first time in at least seven years. This week is Free Spirit Gathering, a Pagan camping event in Northern Maryland that I have attended since 2003. This is one of those events that I don’t even contemplate when I make a year’s calendar; I just know I’m going to be there. The last few years, I’ve been the department head of their mobility and roving security department, as well as teaching a few classes. It was the first big event I attended after moving to Maryland. I know probably more than 50 people who attend the event, and most of them I consider to be friends, if not family-of-choice. I stay in the same cabin with my Leather family every year, and we all know which beds are for which people. It’s not even discussed or thought about, it just happens.

Over the past month, it became clearer and clearer that I couldn’t go, at least not for the week. I tried very, very hard to change that, because this depressive funk I’ve been stuck in would definitely benefit from being around my family of choice, being in a place/time that feels homey to me. I love the campground where this event takes place, and feel connected to it as many others do. And there is an energy that awakens the land during this particular event that I do not feel when I am there with other groups.

At the same time, many of the things that make the event feel homey were starting to fall apart. My partner Winter decided not to attend; this was the one event we attend together where we spend a lot of time just hanging around each other (rather than running from one thing to another). I understand why he decided not to go, but then we got into a very strange place in our relationship where we stopped talking. I’ve reached out to him and told him I would really like to talk, and, like the STBX, I just get silence. I decided that must mean he needs time to deal with this strangeness, so even though today is his birthday, I decided not to call even though I very, very much wanted to. I feel the lack of our connection deeply; not just the lack of communication, but like I do not matter to the Clan we both belong to – another family I have tried to make my own. I feel like decisions are made without even thinking to let me know, much less asking for my input. I don’t understand where I stand in the structure, so I have decided not to push the issue and just let things happen as they do. But I can’t say I’m happy about it.

My Bear Family, another family-of-choice I love dearly, has also declared that this year is the last that they’ll attend FSG. I completely understand this decision, as the FSG community has been very negative (and at times, downright nasty) to some of us, and it’s just best that we leave places where it’s clear we’re not wanted. However, there isn’t another event that we all attend en masse. In fact, we haven’t all been in the same place since the STBX left us. I don’t know what the future of our family will hold, as we used to have a clearer vision as to who we were and what we wanted to do, but we don’t spend enough social time together to talk about it or actually make anything happen. I’m hoping that maybe, if we mutually decide to skip FSG, that maybe we can all decide to go somewhere (an event or not) together once a year, if not more often, just so we can all hang out together.

So maybe you’re beginning to see why I feel so…divorced…from feeling like I’m at “home”. The place I live in is nice, I love this little house, but it feels so much like a “landing pad”. I don’t want to put down roots here, because I don’t like living so far away from any of my close friends or any semblance of a social life. I’ve been openly thinking about moving to Massachusetts, but I don’t know how I’m going to afford that, or deal with many of the issues that I’d have to settle before I could do that. I’d have to find a completely new medical support system. Granted, I do have a group of friends who live within a two hour radius of each other, so at the very least I wouldn’t feel quite so solitary in the sticks.

I remind myself that this is supposed to be a year of contemplation, and living in a place that feels temporary does contribute to that, as well as being forced to stay home more often. I’m just having a terrible time keeping “contemplation” from becoming “rumination”, where I start to think about all the things that have gone wrong in my life in the past two years and how I ended up where I am now. A lot of my current situation was not by choice at all – I did not choose to move to Hagerstown, it just sorta happened. I did not choose for my STBX to completely cut me out of my life. I did not choose to develop new illnesses that make leaving the house even more difficult than it was before. I did not choose to have my financial situation tank quite this badly. I don’t want to sound like I was just standing there while all these things happened to me, as though I had no control at all; I know that’s not true, but that’s another contemplation/rumination issue again.

So here’s the question, then: Am I meant to have a family? Or is this something I am too much of a monster/non-human to ever achieve? Is anywhere ever going to be “home”? Am I ever going to look at a mountain, a river, an open sky, a horizon and know that this particular place sings to me like no other? Am I ever going to collapse into a bed and really feel 100% comfortable to be myself in that space? What do I need to do to make these things happen? Is it worth it, if I think I don’t have much time left?

I have this (pretty standard) desire to die “at home”. I absolutely do not want to die in a hospital. I want to be somewhere I feel totally comfortable, where I feel loved by both the people and the vaettir of the place, where I can release my attachments in the safe knowledge that the love I feel will go with me to the other side. And what I’ve realized this past month, is that I don’t know where this place is, or who will eventually end up being in that circle. It’s tempting to look at the people I hold close right now and know they’ll be there, but if you asked me eight months ago, I would have given you a much, much different answer than I would today. Nothing is permanent, everything is possible. I’m starting to wonder if I should just embrace the idea of dying alone, so I don’t have to worry about all the drama and heartache that goes into finding these things. I’m so tired of it. I’ve put so much work into making so many families, only to have to leave them in ruins, or be asked to leave as they outgrow me, or find out they never took it as seriously as I did, or whatever. Maybe this is why when I reach out to my ancestral line, I get crickets. I belong to no family, I have no line, I have no home.

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Surgery Tomorrow

April 23, 2013 at 11:06 am (Death and Dying, Hospitalizations, Living, Medical, Spiritual, The Panniculectomy) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

12 days after being admitted through the ER and the decision has finally been made: I am having surgery tomorrow.

In a way I guess it’s a good thing we waited, as I have a very clear understanding that we have tried every other option before jumping to surgery, and in fact the lead team on my case, Plastics, has been dragging their feet for several days after the other teams (Infectious Disease, General Surgery, Acute Pain Management, etc) all decided that surgery was the best option left.

Yesterday was the final straw. As I’ve written before, they have put several drains into my abscess in hopes it would deflate on its own, and for the 11 days I’ve been here we haven’t seen any fluid come out at all. Interventional Radiology, the team that deals with the drains directly, informed my surgeon that the fluid inside of my collection(s)  was too thick to drain this way, but my surgeon was stubborn and wanted to try one last time before he gave up for good. They poked a new, wider hole into the collection and then even went so far as to attach it to suction, and still nothing came out.

The surgery is not exactly the same as the one in December in a couple of ways. The December surgery did entail removing an infected abscess but there was a lot more infected tissue that wasn’t incorporated into a collection, enough to require a panniculectomy. When they finished the surgery, they removed some excess skin and pulled my belly up, making it much smaller (technically, a “tummy tuck”), and I had a very large surgical scar that went from one hip to the other. I also had two small grenade-shaped drains (JP drains) that helped suck out excess fluid produced from the surgery.

This time, they will be removing an infected abscess, but the focus is on trying to keep this from happening over and over again. They’re going to re-open a small portion of the scar from December (about a third, or 9-15cm) over the collection, remove the abscess and all the other bad stuff around there, including physically washing the space out. Then, instead of sewing or suturing up the wound (which will be “the size and shape of a small loaf of bread”) like you’d expect, they’re going to “pack” the hole with a special kind of vacuum-bandage. The idea is that if they just sew the hole closed, the hole will sit there empty, and nature abhors an empty space. By packing the wound, it is forced to heal from the inside out, and the scar tissue created will keep it from reforming a new and/or different abscess in the future. By using the motorized system, any fluid that is created from the wound or left behind by the surgeons during the operation will be sucked out in a more efficient method than the drains we used last time. (I have a bad history of having drains “fall out” before they’re done doing their job, no matter how many precautions are used to keep that from happening, and that could very well be contributing to the problem.)

I will likely be in JH for another week or so in recovery, and then sent home with a home-care-nurse visiting three times a week. They’re telling me I should be able to work (including teach classes and stuff), so I haven’t cancelled any of my upcoming gigs. I will have at least one, maybe two, small motors I will have to port around with me, but I’m inventive and will figure out some fashionable way to do it and not look bad.

I haven’t had much more time to ruminate on the spiritual meaning of all of this beyond what I’ve already posted. I’m trying very hard to see this situation as not being all about me, but at the same time not allowing others to use me/my medical situation against me in some way. It’s been difficult, especially lately, but I just keep holding my head high and be the man I want to be and let everything fall as it will.

I asked Alex if he could think of some witty vacuum joke or reference I could turn into the title of this entry, but joking about it would inaccurately convey my emotional state. I’m not depressed or amused; I’m pissed. I’m angry that it took 12 days for the doctors to do what they told me was going to happen 12 days ago. I’m angry that last time I was given all this lead time to prepare, and this time we have practically none. I had a very clear image as to what it all meant, why it was happening both physically and spiritually, and what I was supposed to get out of it. I understood it.

This time I have no idea. I have some guesses as to what it means, but they’re really just shots in the dark – and I’m also willing to accept that maybe it just doesn’t have a bigger meaning to it at all. I understood that the abscesses were something that happened because Dr WLS fucked up my ventral hernia repair that April, but this one doesn’t seem to be directly related to that, either. Last time I was able to garner support not just because of the health crisis, but because it coincided with my husband ending our marriage. Instead, this time, it all just feels like it’s landed on my lap and I have no idea why, or what I’m supposed to learn, or why this would have any meaning at all, other than to make me miserable and in pain and reinforce my fears that I can’t live a normal life ever again.

It reinforces a lot of the fears I was able to squelch last time, stuff about my divorce and my living situation and trying to figure out who really cares about me and who doesn’t. It makes me look really hard at the prediction I received three years ago, that said in year three the game would change dramatically. As my STBX basically disallowed me to talk about the prediction at all, I learned how to put it out of my mind, but these days it is feeling more and more relevant and yet harder to accept as being real. It’s dredging up a lot of inner stuff I was able to bury and/or hide for a long time and making it impossible to ignore. It’s forcing me to really and truly think about the word family, what it means, what the qualifications are, and what to do when someone who used to be an important member of your family makes it clear that they don’t feel the same way anymore. I am thinking about what honesty is, and where honesty is important, and yet where honesty can be hurtful and/or cruel at the same time. I’m thinking about a lot of things.

But at least now you all know that the surgery is for real, it’s happening tomorrow at some point, and you’ll all know one or another that I got out of it safely (or not). I will be spending some time this afternoon updating my will and advanced directives to make sure they reflect my most current realities.

Please feel free to pray for me, to ask your Gods (and mine as well) to look out for me, to guide me through this process, and to bless the doctors with clear heads and deft hands. Please do not send energy or Reiki of any kind; although I do have an anti-Reiki amulet to wear, it just makes things easier if you don’t send it for starters.

Love you all, and see you on the other side.

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My Grandfather Died

March 4, 2012 at 6:26 pm (Death and Dying, Spiritual) (, , , , )

In a way, the title says it all. Wilbur Fischbeck, my maternal grandfather, passed away on Wednesday morning around 2am. He was 86 years old and had been battling several attacks on his health, the most notable being advanced Alzheimer’s disease.

He and I weren’t particularly close. He was a fine grandfather, don’t get me wrong. He was cheerful and interactive, welcoming and friendly. As I grew from childhood to adulthood, it became clear in very subtle ways that he didn’t approve of my less-than-heteronormative life. I don’t remember him outright saying anything about it, but he just didn’t say anything at all. I get this sense from my cousins – who are, at least from the outside, your stereotypical heteronormative adults who got married and had kids and live in the suburbs and have “real” jobs – that he was much closer with them and their children. I did visit him from time to time, and tried to make conversation with him, but I had the same problems with him that I do with anyone from “Mundania” – I can’t talk about my relationships, or my vocation, or what I do for fun, or my politics or religion, or even things I consider to be achievements. All of it comes from me being kinky, queer, trans, poly, liberal, etc.

He fought in WWII in the navy as a spotter and a fireman. It makes me proud that there are relatives of mine who served in the armed forces – my half-brother was also a Navy man, and later on went into the Reserves and served several times overseas – because I believe any kind of service that comes from your heart and your dedication to mores and ethics is honorable. I don’t care if you serve the country, or the laity, or a disabled dominant, or an aging parent; all service given freely is honorable.

He wasn’t a boisterous kind of guy, at least not around me. We played dominoes a lot. In fact, I am going to buy a set of dominoes for him for my altar, as I feel sort of weird asking my grandmother for an artifact of his for that purpose. He loved playing games, and he wanted you always to play to win; he won a lot.

A lot of my personal thinking and feeling surrounding his death is on a bigger scale. This is the third family member that has died (my father died in 2008, my great-grandmother died in 2000) that I am not very sad about. With my father, it made sense to me; he and I were basically estranged by the time he died, and our relationship had almost never been good. My great-grandmother I didn’t know very well and I had very limited contact with.

I’m just not that close to my birth family. It wasn’t something that was a big deal in my home growing up, this sense that Family Is Important. My family was tumultuous and dysfunctional on a pretty big scale, and there was never any sense that we were a “team” or a “unit”; it always felt more like we were a bunch of strangers thrown into a house together and told to duke it out as best we could (a great reality show these days). My mother has tried, especially in the last ten years, to create some sort of family cohesion amongst my nuclear family, but most of the time I feel like our attitude is “too little, too late”. We don’t live near each other, we don’t have any holiday traditions in common anymore (my mother is Baha’i, my sister and I are pagan, and my brother is some form of Buddhist, last I remember), so other than American holidays like Thanksgiving or Fourth of July, we don’t have any innate urge to get together. I visit my sister and mom (who live together with my sister’s fiancee Mike) once a year, usually around December. When I think about it, that’s very silly, since they live in NY and there’s usually snow to contend with.

You’re going to think I’m odd (too late) but I keep waiting to have this cathartic death experience. When I find out someone is dead and it just rends me. I was sad when my father died, and it took a while for the news to sink in, but overall I was able to process that and move on in about a day. I know some people who, when someone in their family dies, are still grieving about it six months, a year, two years later. I don’t know if it’s my casual relationship with death, my knowledge that I can contact dead people if I really want to, the lack of intimacy with those I know who have died, or what, but the last time someone died and I got really upset about it was a friend who died from AIDS back in 1995. And even then, he was more of a casual acquaintance.

So I went to my grandfather’s funeral. It was strange. Everyone seemed happy I could make it (we had to find a ride because Ninja can’t drive for another two months), but there was a palpable awkwardness to it all. I hadn’t visited Grandpa in the VA Hospice, because I didn’t want to spend time with someone I didn’t feel intimately toward when there was a really good chance he wouldn’t know who I was, anyway. The positive part of the funeral was seeing my niece, who has grown up too fast and now has a pink streak in her hair and watches Anime. Seeing my cousin’s children (are they my second cousins? I never understood how that worked) was also enlightening. It’s been a long time since I’ve been to a gathering of my maternal family. (I have never met anyone related to my father except for my half-brother. Well, okay, I met my paternal grandfather when I was <1, but I don't remember it.)

I feel like a good death shaman (even a half-assed one like me) should have something profound or interesting to say on the passing of someone related to him, but I don't. He was old, he was sick for a long time, and I'm happy he's no longer struggling or suffering. I'm sad that my grandmother is alone; I worry that she will go batty without someone to care for. She went from caring for my great-grandmother (her mother), to my mother (until my mom moved in with my sister), to her spouse. Now she's at odds in an empty house. I almost want to buy her a gift certificate to Harrington, where she likes to play the slots. I see a lot of slot playing in her future.

I'll still honor Grandpa at Samhain this year, and I'll buy those dominoes for my death altar, but I can't shake this sense that I'm missing something about this whole death thing that other people find highly emotional.

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