The Unexpected Blessings of Pain Management Medications

March 31, 2013 at 5:46 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

It’s easy, sometimes, to get negative when you suffer from chronic pain. I mean, I’m almost afraid to open with that statement, lest my reader go “duh” and skip the rest of the post. I’ve written a lot here and other places about how my pain makes me angry, tired, upset, depressed, lonely, and frustrated. I’ve tried to includes some thoughts as to how it makes me happy, awake, contented, stable, connected, and calm; but it’s not hard to see how those times may be much fewer and far between-er.

I was having a chat with a friend who also suffers from some acute and chronic pain, and we were commenting on the effects of opiates on memory. It is very true that since I’ve been on the heavier opiates, and on a more regular regimen (rather than just taking them whenever things get really bad), my memory has gotten much worse. I’ve been lucky that I have someone in my life who helps me keep track of things, both physically – where the hell did I put that thing?!? I just had it three minutes ago!! – and temporally, like constantly telling me what time it is, even though I not only asked three minutes ago, but I’m sitting at my computer with my phone right next to me, both of which proudly display the time.

Now, granted, some of this is just Del being the peculiar creature he is. One of the tradeoffs of being a deeply introspective and mystical thinking sort, is that mundane and material things sometimes baffle the shit out of me. I have strong anxieties about every day things like filling out forms, or being on time. I get wrapped up in whatever I’m doing in the present moment, like highway hypnosis, only awakening when I realize I haven’t peed in five hours or I’m practically falling over from exhaustion or low blood sugar. Rave is excellent at making a plate of fruit, cup of tea, or whatever else I have been overlooking, magically appear next to me specifically so I can concentrate on whatever I’m working on and not deteriorate to a point where recovery takes longer than it should.

In a way, though, the opiates effect of making me much more focused in the present moment, is it’s own blessing. Sure, it’s annoying as hell when someone shows up at my door and I’ve completely forgotten we had made plans, but when it comes to things like having a meaningful conversation or working on an essay or devotional piece, people notice that I’m fully invested and hard to distract. Although, the distraction issue surfaces in a different way; if we’re talking about cars, and all of a sudden I see or hear something completely unrelated to cars, I might go off on a tear about this new subject and forget we were ever talking about cars to begin with. You might laugh, but when I think it’s important, I may jot down the subject of the conversation or the reason someone asked me to listen, specifically so if I get off track I can glance down and remember what I’m supposed to be talking about.

When I talk to people about meditation, one of the biggest hurdles they struggle with is letting go of the immediate past or the immediate future. They can’t relax into the present moment because their brain is too preoccupied with what just happened to them, or the thing they just read/saw/did. Or they might be fretting about things they could be doing instead of meditating, or get stuck making a mental list of all the tasks they need to tackle once this meditation thing is over with. I don’t have that problem, and I admit it’s partially due to the opiate’s effects on my brain. It might take me a few minutes to let go, but once I do, I almost have the opposite issue! I forget what I was just doing, or what I am supposed to be doing right after I finish. I let the thoughts and feelings of the meditation guide me to whatever I do next, which can be useful sometimes, but not so much when you have deadlines or pressing needs that must be addressed.

Overall, I am thankful for this opiate-influenced ability, though. It can be easier for me to let go of harmful emotions, if I just remove myself from any reminders of why I might feel that way. I can wake myself out of a ruminating state much quicker, and let myself get lost in whatever is more productive than sitting around bemoaning my current state. I can have fun tonight, even though I know tomorrow is going to be challenging in some way.

This is a big change for me. I’m a Libra, and one of the qualities we supposedly share is that we rehearse. Before I go to a party, I lay in bed imagining the people who are going to be there, and the conversations we’re likely to have. I play out what I’m going to say, and try to guess what questions they might ask and how I should answer them. Before each class I teach, even if I’ve taught it a hundred times, I take a quiet moment to look over my outline or notes and picture myself teaching the class. In fact, I can feel very flustered if a situation I’ve rehearsed in my head goes wildly differently in real life.

However, the opiates have softened this for me. Although I still rehearse, I don’t get so hung up on things happening exactly the way I project. I am quicker to tell myself, “It will be what it will be”, and not let myself get stressed over creating mental flow charts of “If they do this, I’ll do that, and then if they do this other thing, I’ll run off to the bathroom to avoid reacting to it where they can see.”. I can release my expectations and instead allow myself to fully experience the reality of what I’m engaging with.

This also helps me tremendously in my interpersonal relationships. Instead of projecting what I want or need onto someone, I can relax and explore who they really are and how they are different than the version I’ve created in my head. (Oh, come on, I can’t be the only person who thinks this way.) I can focus on someone’s crisis without getting overly distracted by my own feelings and needs. And honestly, people can tell me things in confidence, because unless it’s somehow shocking or important enough to leave a lasting image, I’ve probably forgotten it five minutes after you finished telling me.

It’s important to me to remember these positives, because the world is very good at reminding me about the negatives. People who don’t understand or experience chronic pain try to be encouraging by suggesting that if I try an alternate form of pain control, someday I might be able to “get off the drugs”. It is very hard not to be able to drive myself places, and the main reasons I don’t drive is because should something terrible happen, the amount of opiates I’m on would make me a liability. (Even though long term use obviously creates a level of tolerance, that won’t likely be taken into consideration if I get into an accident.) There are lots of reasons why the opiates limit me, but at the same time, they bring their own blessings and allow me to do and experience things I wouldn’t be able to otherwise.

Thank you, Mistress Poppy, for bringing pleasure with the pain, gifts with the sacrifice, and unexpected blessings among the suffering.

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1 Comment

  1. Matt Chase International said,

    Whatever works – I haven’t really experienced physical pain but certainly emotional and also was surprised at my surrender into screaming ‘pills please!’ With the rehearsal stuff I am glad your opiates softened the mental chatter 🙂 I am not Libra but I have moon in libra which means I have some libra traits so I FULLY empathise with this playing events over…and over.. and 😉

    great informative yet funny post, thank you.

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