When I Die: Two Services

June 11, 2012 at 1:30 pm (Death and Dying, Spiritual, When I Die) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

As I have been involved in the planning of two separate services for my friend’s death, it made me think about what I would want. My friend actually got three; one for just his family and close family friends, one that was open to anyone who wanted to come, and one for his religious contemporaries.

Since Ninja and I had a “Renaissance wedding” in order to hide the more pagan elements from my in-laws, I get why there might need to be a few different celebrations of life.

I am making it clear that I want 2, and only 2, services; I want a proper funeral, and I want a celebration of life. Anyone and everyone can self-select as to which ones they attend, but they should go to either being ready to face whatever they may learn about me from those who attend.

The funeral will be a somber affair. Its primary goal is to give people who are grieving my death a place to gather and support each other. It will happen shortly after I die, basically as soon as my ashes are obtained. I’d like it to be in a sacred indoor location, but no appropriate ones spring to mind. Someone’s house would also do. It should be officiated by Hugh Eckert, Wintersong Tashlin, and Raven Kaldera. I know they’ve never worked together before, but I’m sure they’ll come up with something appropriate. It should be in line with my religious and spiritual beliefs – don’t make my in-laws smother on the Paganism, but don’t hide it either.  (I figure at that point I’m already dead and therefore what does it matter anymore?) It should be family appropriate and solemn. Ninja’s religious views should also be taken into consideration, and if he feels strongly that he would like a rabbi involved, I say do it. After all, the funeral is more for the living than the dead. I’m sure we can find a rabbi who can work with Hugh, Winter, and Raven.

The second service should be a celebration of life. This will be more for those who wish to memorialize me through story and song, who want to recount the crazy adventures I’ve had through this life. There should be alcohol in horns being passed around and bawdy stories of how great I was in bed told. No holes barred. People should be warned that if they’re uncomfortable with any aspect of my life – my trans identity, my Invisible People, my kinky sex life, my poly partners – they should stay the fuck home. This is me in full technicolor, for all to celebrate and bask in. I want the movies I made playing in the background. I want Raven to sing Skullcrusher Mountain. Nick Nigro has to be there, and has to tell at least one crazy Del story. There should be a division of my sex/kink toys – maybe even a raffle to donate to a charity I would have liked. I’d want this to be in an outdoor location where day turns to night and frivolity turns into drunken, tired people surrounding a campfire pouring libations to me into the fire. If it’s appropriate, I’d love it if it were at either Cauldron Farm or at Ramblewood. This celebration should be officiated by Elizabeth Vongsivith (whose last name I can never spell right), and she should wear her Fools dress. She knows which one. Also starring Rebecca Proch, for which the only funeral I can imagine her officiating. She will decorate it to the nines!



  1. Elizabeth said,

    If I don’t manage to be killed in a demolition derby or a tragic mini-golf accident in the meantime, I will make sure the second half happens exactly as you wish.

  2. Wendy Lightheart said,

    That all sounds totally awesome. It makes me think of my Aunt Rosalie – she always say funerals are so depressing, and she wants people there with huge trays of cookies so we all have something to eat. She’s all about feeding people; we all are!

    And I gotta say, in my experience in the funeral business, some of the healthiest and most fun funerals were the crazy parties. I still remember the biker funeral we had – for whatever reason they funeral directors left me to run the whole show (I was just a greeter at the time) and we had a hell of a time. And the time that family brought in a mariachi band and snuck in some tequilla….good times.

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